Why No One Want to Make Hulk 2?
Monday, July 19, 2004
Posted on TheOnion.com
The following was originally posted on TheOnion.com:
WHY NO ONE WANT MAKE HULK 2
by the Hulk
X2 come out last year. Spider-Man 2 come out last month. Both great sequels to great movies about Hulk friends. Hulk love great action movies about friends! People buy tickets. Make money for theaters, make money for movie company. Movie company make more movies with money. Already, they working on X-Men 3. Hulk movie come out last year. It success. It big popcorn movie with heart. So why no one want make Hulk 2? It make Hulk mad!
Hulk know what people say. Original movie no good, people say. Hulk movie Hulk-sized bomb, people say. That not true! Hulk more successful than people think. Make $132 million in U.S. alone, only cost $120 million. That not small potatoes. Add international box-office receipts and DVD sales and it add up to big money. Big! Oh, and did Hulk forget merchandising tie-ins? First Hulk movie really forge Hulk brand identity. Make people aware of Hulk. Hulk now poised to build on success of first Hulk movie. Hulk 2 smash box-office records!
First Hulk movie flawed but underrated. Oscar-winner Jennifer Connelly give sublime performance as Hulk romantic interest Betty Ross. She pretty. Australian hunk Eric Bana good in breakthrough American role as puny human Bruce Banner. Film even give tip of hat to TV Hulk and Stan "The Man" Lee. Sure, conflict with father stray from original story, but it provide new twist on classic legend. Necessary to increase dramatic tension. Make Hulk seem more human so audience can identify with puny human Banner.
Why no one appreciate daring vision of Ang Lee? Aaargh! Ang Lee genius! Maybe panels on screen gimmicky, but him try something new. When last time you try something new?! Ang Lee willing to work in unfamiliar genres. Him brave like Hulk. Hulk wish for him to work on Hulk 2, if he willing, but Hulk understand if he not want to. Ang Lee like Hulk: He not stay in one place for too long. Him working on gay western right now. That prove Hulk's point. If him not do it, maybe Darren Aronofsky or David Gordon Green. Someone with unique vision that not so stuck on action clichés. First studio exec to suggest Joel Schumacher get smashed!
Hulk 2 give chance to increase merchandising profile, as well. Hulk have ideas for new Hulk products. Hulk Foam Hands surprise hit in toy stores. Hulk Foam Hands big and soft and make Hulk smashing noises when you hit things. If Hulk Hands big hit, Hulk Feet even bigger hit! Make smashing and stomping noises. Imagine puny human child walking around with Hulk Feet! Make big noise like Hulk. Imagine... ho, ho, ho... excuse Hulk, Hulk laughing. That funny! But Hulk not just limit branding to toys. Make Hulk Shampoo and Hulk Shampoo For Kids, in special no-tears formula. It sound like bad idea, but it good idea! You squirt it right in eye, and it not make you mad! Hulk very concerned with hygiene and comfort. Know how hard it is to make puny human child take bath. Hulk Shampoo make bath-time fun!
Many unanswered questions from last Hulk movie. What happen to puny human Banner in rainforest? Is there cure for Hulk? Will General Thaddeus E. "Thunderbolt" Ross leave Hulk alone? Is there future with Betty Ross? Where villains that make comic so great, like Abomination, Wendigo, and Leader? Hulk hate Leader and Leader's big head. What happen to Grey Hulk? And where Hulk's friend Rick Jones? He only one that understand Hulk. Rick? Rick!? Raaaaahhhh! Sometimes Hulk so sad and alone.
Back to Hulk movie. Hulk visualize Hulk trilogy like Matrix, but no spiritual mumbo-jumbo. Crazy mumbo-jumbo make Hulk's head hurt! Hulk work out treatment for next movie Hulkself. It have everything in Hulk, only more intense. In this movie, Hulk smash for first 20 minutes. Give fanboys something to hang fanboy hats on. Then have romance, for women ages 24 to 40. Very important demographic if want make movie real summer blockbuster.
Then Leader come, bring Abomination. Him try to wreck everything by capturing Hulk. Then Hulk smash more! Hulk smash Leader and Abomination! Hulk smash tanks, too! That nod to first film. Hulk love scene where Hulk throw tank into horizon. At end of movie, cliffhanger. Put people on edge of seats. Like Hulk say, always leave puny humans wanting more.
Hulk working on pitch right now. Hope to take lunch with Hulk movie screenwriter James Schamus. Him really get what Hulk all about. Also, him open doors in Hollywood. Hope him will share story-by credit with Hulk. Hulk paint in broad strokes. Not good with words. Leave detail work to Schamus.
If you producer, Hulk want know why you sitting around? Does producer hate make money? Hulk need someone line up investors now. Need maybe $100 million. Less than original. Kinks worked out by now. Software engines all designed. Want start filming in New Zealand by December. It summer there when winter here. It much cheaper to film in New Zealand. Hulk budget-conscious. If all go according to plan, Hulk 2 hit theaters by summer 2006. Perfect summer movie!
If that not enough, Hulk write great tag lines. "No make Hulk 2 angry!" Maybe "This time it personal." Or "Green machine back in theaters summer 2006." Maybe teaser poster with Hulk fist punching out of poster. Puny humans see that and they duck! It real attention-grabber. If you still not convinced, Hulk not waste more time with you. Maybe New Line interested. They flush with Lord Of Rings money. Looking for new franchise? Call Hulk when you ready to talk serious.
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